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REVIEW: SIGG Aluminium sandwich box

June 9, 2012

SIGG

ALUMINIUM SANDWICH BOX

PRICE £20

I confess, owning an ultra-light, durable and strong lunch box has never been high on my agenda. I have never trawled the internet late at night, bottle of whiskey in one hand, Trail Magazine in the other, drooling over thoughts of getting my hands on the latest coolest funkiest hip and cool smash and grab lunch box.

However, once it was in my paws, well, what a nice little thing I decided it was. To say the Sigg Aluminium sandwich box is well made is an understatement. If you want the perfect aluminium lunch box, then this is it. I loved its looks; it was like carrying a small ammunition box in my pack, which in turn made me feel like Steven Seagal swaggering up the trail [joke].  It reminded me of my old motorbike luggage boxes – in miniature. And for sandwiches. Whatever. I got this little box and thought it was a cool little unit. The sort of box you could pull out at the summit of a mountain, then look condescendingly at your climbing partners as you wiggled it provocatively, as they then had to remove their cheap and tacky pieces of plastic junk.

Functionality. It it functional? Well, as can be seen in the photos, it is the perfect size for 2 generously loaded ham and mustard sandwiches. The clasps are well engineered, and a rubber seal keeps food fresh and dry. The whole unit feels extremely robust, because that’s what you need in the event of, say, a serious tumble from your downhill mountain bike – you need your sandwiches uncrushed and there to be enjoyed as you wait for the paramedics.

This is not an item that will set the world on fire. And as lunchboxes go, its modest in size (but just the right size) and we can no-doubt progress with all manner of “lunchbox” jokes here; but I’d rather not… (but let’s just say Russell Brand’s lunchbox is much, much smaller; whereas Frankie Boyle – well, as we all know, his unfunny lunchbox doesn’t even exist, so tiny is it, ha ha!…).

The SIGG aluminium sandwich box is a fine piece of kit. Do you really need one? Probably not. Do you really want one? Well… ye-eees. Now, if somebody were to try and steal my sturdy aluminium sandwich box, I’d give them a beating with it – and then happily eat my unscrunched sandwiches afterwards. It’s one of those pieces of kit that you don’t really know you need it until you’ve got it. It’s light, strong, well engineered, and just a neat and cool little thing for all you tech-head magpie kit-junkies who have to have the best of everything, and to hell with the price.

RATING: 75%

MAGPIE RATING: 86% UAM SILVER AWARD

MJ

REVIEW: Maglite XL200 LED Flashlight

June 9, 2012

MAGLITE XL200 LED FLASHLIGHT

172 LUMENS 5 MODES

PRICE £25/30

Okay, this is one of Maglite’s new generation flashlights, the “newest member of our XL series”, with “advanced features” and “stunning brightness”. Marketing spiel, or a true step forward for the torch?

Let’s look at the feature list. There’s a “‘Spot-to-Flood’ adjustable LED beam”, the unit is “Anodized for corrosion resistance and durability”, and has a “rugged, machined aluminum [sic] case”, along with “Intelligent Energy Source Management – continuously monitors the balance between high brightness and efficient power usage allowing for prolonged battery life”, is “Powered by three (3) AAA alkaline batteries (included)” and is “Individually serial numbered”. A serial number? Why?  –?

You can also purchase a hipster holster, in order, I presume, for those moments when you need to quick-draw your Maglite XL200 and pump six rounds into a fast approaching terrorist or zombie… sorry. Wrong mag.

So, wading through the necessary advertising waffle, what’s it really like? Is there a genuine reason to buy one? Or should I just stick with a cheap wind-up dog-walking unit from ASDA, with or without a serial number, cheap as chips at £2.99?

Using a wander up Ben Lomond as an excuse to test a bunch of kit, I brought the Maglite XL200 along for the ride. Yes, there is not much call for a Maglite in the daylight hours on a mountain, but as can be seen by the picture below, those 172 lumens sure do stack up to a beam visible in daylight – and is blinding to look at directly. At night, this little unit is truly stunning. I mean, stunning stunning. For one such as I, used to walking the mutt with a standard wind-up torch, the Maglite suddenly allowed me to see where the hell I was going. A rebirth of night vision, one might say.

The flashlight itself is small, compact, and fits well into your hand with the ergonomic perfection of something like a well-machined mouse (that’s computer mouse, for those not paying attention). It’s light in weight, sturdy, not too small that you’d lose it, and not so big that you dread carrying the lump. The blurb talks of “rugged machined aluminum”, obviously some new alloy discovered by Maglite, but it really does feel like a quality tool. The various modes are activated by a touch button on the base (convenient) and the modes are well thought out and useful. What gets my vote for a 5/5 score, however, and warrants carrying this unit on any climb or ride or dangerous pursuit, is the 5-click SOS function. Yes. Lying there with a broken leg, or your head squashed between two rocks, activate this SOS function and the flashlight will happily signal your distress for up to 218 hours (better than 127, right?). Often, I have pondered what I would do if I fell down a gully with a broken coccyx and had to wait for an air ambulance. How would I signal for help? Now I know. I have my little Maglite friend. During the entire Lomond trip I got some security from the knowledge I had a backup, a friend who knew how to signal for help. I gave my leedle Maglite a name. Bill. And I am very happy to say, Bill scored Top Marks.

So, condemn! thy hellish wind-up crappy rechargeable device to the bin! And buy a Maglite XL200. Not only is it cool (baby), one day it could save your life.

RATING: 92% UAM GOLD AWARD

AR

Press Release: UAM changes from download magazine to online magazine.

June 9, 2012

Ultimate Adventure Magazine, as you may know, is a bi-monthly PDF download adventure magazine.

However, despite many thousands of downloads over the past few months, we feel it’s now more appropriate the magazine morphs into a rolling-updated online affair.

This allows for search engine hits on reviews, features and interviews globally, without the “hassle” of actually physically downloading the mag as a file and putting it onto a reader – which, it appears, in this fast-moving net-savvy world we live in, to be inconvenient; direct online would seem to be a more relevant accessible forum.

Over the next couple of weeks, we’ll be uploading the majority of content from the first two magazine issues to the online magazine, although the first two issues can still be read “as is” via links on the site.

After that, interviews, reviews and features will appear on a regular weekly basis, and we are still open to review products of any kind relating to “adventure”.

Check out the new look, at www.uamag.co.uk

Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/ultadventuremag

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ultimate-Adventure-Magazine/173330602755918

Many thanks for your patience,

Onwards and upwards!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andy Remic

Ultimate Adventure Magazine

editor@uamag.co.uk

INTERVIEW: Dr Andrew Murray, on running from John O’Groats to the Sahara!

June 6, 2012

UAM: Hello Dr Andrew Murray, thank you very much for agreeing to this interview! First, for people out there who don’t know who you are, would you care to explain a little bit about your adventures?

AM: Thanks. I’m a doctor, and an ultra marathon runner. I’ve been fortunate to race in places from the high Himalaya, the North Pole, Outer Mongolia, and the Jungle. This year I ran from John O’Groats in north Scotland to the Sahara Desert. I run for the views, and the excitement, and to promote causes I am passionate about. Currently I’m looking to promote the health benefits of staying fit. It’s fantastic both for physical and mental health, and while I’m not keen to make everyone run, letting them know the importance of staying active, helping to prevent Heart attacks, Stokes, some kinds of cancer, Diabetes, Depression and many other things is really motivating. I love supporting the Yamaa Trust, who I volunteer with in Mongolia.  My book “Running Beyond Limits” describes the runs I’ve done is some of the most hostile, but beautiful places imaginable, and also talks about my work as a sports and expedition doctor, looking after some of the world’s leading athletes.

UAM: Obviously, you are famed for your ultra marathon running. To date, which run has been your biggest challenge, and why?

AM: Scotland2Sahara, the 78 day run to the Sahara in winter was tough as it was unremitting. I had to run over a marathon every day, even when I was carrying injuries or the weather was disgusting. However the hardest day racing has had was in North Canada at the 6633ultra. The temperatures were -40 Celsius, or -70 with wind chill, and I broke a bone in my leg. I had 30 miles left, dragging a sledge and even the raw beauty of the northern lights couldn’t fully compensate for the pain. It was agony, but stopping was not an option as it was far too cold to stop moving.

UAM: What inspired you to choose the Yamaa Trust in order to raise money?

AM: The Yamaa Trust are making a huge difference day in and day out in Mongolia. I raced the Gobi Challenge out there, one of the best races I’ve done, and certainly one with plenty cultural interaction. We stayed with locals each night, and their warmth and kindness made me determined to do something to support their health care system. The Yamaa Trust make this happen, and are changing lives in the Gobi region.

UAM: What started you running? Was it a childhood thing? Something inspired by your parents? Or is it true that you simply wanted to see the world?

AM: Running is my way of travelling and seeing a bit of the world. I’ve always played sports, but when backpacking, there is less chance to play for a team or similar. There are amazing races put on in fantastic areas nowadays, I’d encourage people to check them out. I actually grew up in Kenya, so should probably be a quicker runner than I am!!

UAM: If I’d told my wife I was going to run 2650 miles for 85 days, 3 months before our wedding, she would have hit me with a large stick. First, why didn’t your wife hit you with a large stick? And second, in what way is she supportive of your adventures?

AM: Jennie is fantastic. She’s gorgeous, funny, and most of all patient. She is a runner and climber herself, and I did promise that even if I hadn’t finished, then I’d be back for the wedding. The Metro newspaper actually ran a 2 page spread “Scotsman runs 2660 miles to escape wedding planning” which amused her.

UAM: What’s next for Andrew Murray?

AM: I’m working to promote physical activity and exercise. I think that this is a fundamental challenge of our age, as the health problems associated with not doing regular exercise are enormous. I’ll also do the Highland Fling and the West Highland Way race in Scotland this year, and will make another documentary about a run I’m doing which involves running 100km on each continent consecutively. The locations are stunning.

UAM: Your book has genuinely inspired me to take up long(er) distance runs. Any tips?

AM: I’m genuinely thrilled to hear that. Running wise, I think knowing that after a few weeks things will get easier always helps. Run routes that you enjoy, and perhaps incorporate into everyday life, for example is it possible to run to work?

UAM: Thank you! Andrew’s book Running Beyond Limits can be purchased from all good book shops, ISBN: 978-0-95629957-2-9, and online from various retailers. To read more about this incredible adventure, check out http://www.scotland2sahara.com .

“The Ultimate Marathon Man,” DVD, a copy of the 1 hr BBC documentary following Andrew’s run, along with extra features is ALSO available from Mountain Media.

INTERVIEW: Claudio Von Planta, friend of Ewan McGregor, talks adventure…

June 6, 2012

Claudio von Planta talks to UAM about his incredible work as a film maker… filming the Soviet war in Afghanistan, the modern day Samurai, and tracking down Osama Bin Laden…

Hello Claudio Von Planta! A lot of our readers may well know you from your exploits in Long Way Round and Long Way Down. However, here at UAM we’re interested in you, in your adventures, in your history. Could you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you became a cameraman/filmmaker?

CVP: As I grew up in a small country like Switzerland, I always wanted to travel and discover as many corners around the world as possible. I was also interested in politics and felt that journalism would open opportunities to go abroad. However, I was slightly dyslexic and writing was never my passion. Telling stories with images and even better with film and audio felt much more exiting. Primarily I was always interested to give voices to people who are exposed to extreme situations, who can teach us important lessons about the essence of life. These ideas were rather abstract at the beginning of my career. First I started studying political science and during my first holidays I wanted to do something more tangible than just reading a book. I wanted to try my luck and produce a TV news report. I didn’t have any formal training with film making, but I already cut a few silly Super 8 films whilst I was at school and felt confident to learn more on the job. To find the right topic was the key.

In 1985 most media organisations (at least in Switzerland) focused primarily on conflicts in Latin America (Nicaragua, El Salvador etc.). I decided to look for a conflict where I’d have less competition. Afghanistan was the perfect place. The Soviets invaded the country in 1979, and after 6 years of war over a million refugees ended up in Pakistan and another million in Iran. Despite this massive catastrophe Western TV stations didn’t make much effort to report about Afghanistan. First I thought they blanked it out because of political reasons. But once I hooked up with Mujahedins in Pakistan and started to march into Afghanistan I quickly realised that TV stations could never send their own staff into Afghanistan because it was simply too tough and time consuming. You couldn’t fly with helicopters to the front lines like in Vietnam. First, you had to walk for several weeks across mountains before you came near any action and fights with the Russians. Only freelancers took that risk.

Fortunately I had some very good military training from the Swiss Army where I spent 2.5 years and ended up as an officer with the Mountain Grenadiers. At the time I felt we were just playing around like boy scouts because nobody in Switzerland had any real war experience. However, once I saw the fighting of the Afghans I quickly realised that my skills were very useful. I survived 3 months and returned to Paris with a rucksack full of Super 8 rushes, maybe 4 hours in total. Antenne 2 agreed to cut a 7 minute news report and assigned one of their best editors to work with me. His name was Pedro, he was Vietnamese and he learned the trade during the Vietnam war. I felt the choice of Pedro must reflect the quality of my story but Pedro didn’t even say hello. He only addressed me after he saw my footage. His message was simple: “If you are stupid enough to risk your life for such a pile of rubbish, I think it’s about time you learned how to use a camera and make proper films!” – Pedro taught me the most important lesson to succeed as a freelance documentary filmmaker: you should always be the toughest critic of your own work, only ever compare yourself with the best in the business and try to be better than them. As a result of Pedro’s mantra I still feel I’m a beginner after 26 years. Pedro became my mentor and Antenne 2 offered me a next Afghanistan assignment. I never went back to university. I might look at it again when I’m retired and when I have something to talk about!

UAM: Can you tell our readers an anecdote from your time filmmaking in Afghanistan/Kuwait/Iraq?

CVP: That’s difficult, there is so much. Where could I start? In 1985 I met a Japanese Karate teacher in a Mujahedin training camp in the mountains of Afghanistan. That was rather unusual. Koshiro Tanaka was not only training the Afghans, he also joined their battles against the Soviets. Communication wasn’t easy but with a little bit of English I found out the essence of Tanaka’s motivation. Apparently his family came originally from the island of Sachalin, which was annexed by the Russians after the end of WW2. For obvious reasons Tanaka didn’t like the Russians. As a Buddhist he also believed that everybody needed to find a mission in life to seek perfection. He chose Karate and in his view perfection in Karate was not only self-defence, but the kill. In Japan he couldn’t follow his ambition, but in Afghanistan he was free to fight his enemies, the Russians, and live a life of a modern day Samurai helping his Afghan friends in their freedom fight.

Surprisingly Tanaka survived and 24 years after our first encounter I met him again in 2009 in Tokyo. He is now over 70 years old and is a highly respected Karate Grandmaster. He is very nostalgic about our time in Afghanistan and misses his battles against the Russians. In his view a man can only feel alive if he has an enemy to fight. Since the Russians left Afghanistan in 1989 Tanaka is in search of a new enemy. He feels most likely he will find it within the Japanese society itself because modern lifestyle has made them so decadent. On that note he picked up a microphone and started to sing a Karaoke love song… the moral of the story: the value systems in other cultures can be very different from our own, and it’s therefore never easy to find common ground on a global scale… but I still feel close to Tanaka, somehow I understand his logic and appreciate his honesty.

UAM: Looking at your filmography, there is a massively diverse range of films you have been involved in – from popular BBC TV shows such as By Any Means and Long Way Round, to more serious documentaries such as Rape Trade, Surviving Sudan, Living with Aids and UNICEF Stop Aids Campaign? What gives you the most satisfaction as a film maker?

CVP: Since the beginning of my career I’m most satisfied if I succeed to give voices to weak, oppressed and exploited people. My latest film  SPELL OF THE ALBINO is a good example. I feel it is crucial to promote compassion and a sense of justice on every possible front because mankind can only progress if we eliminate greed, inequality and hypocrisy.

UAM: You seem to choose many projects which have a strong ethical basis. Would you say you are trying to change the world for the better with your filmmaking?

CVP: I hope my films raise awareness about important issues and stimulate new levels of consciousness. We are clearly moving forward but it’s a slow process. The British abolished slavery 200 years ago. Since roughly 100 years Western societies abandoned child labour. In 1971 even the Swiss allowed women the right to vote etc. In future we will hopefully be more human with refugees, be more responsible with our environment and our natural resources. Modern communication technology is speeding up such thought processes and I hope to contribute to that effort.

UAM: You biography also states you are a director; what kind of films are you interested in directing? Would you direct a feature film, for example?

CVP: I’m not at all interested in feature films. I find reality more extreme and fascinating than any

Hollywood inventions. Since the beginning in 1985 I worked as a one-man show: producing, directing, filming, editing – however, when I ended up in the UK in 1990 after filming/directing REBELS OF THE FORGOTTEN WORLD, the most ambitious and complicated documentary in my entire career, I realised that at that time nobody in the British TV industry liked the concept of a multi-skilled jack of all trades.

As a freelancer I could only find a job when I started to say that I’m simply a cameraman, a guy who presses a button but needs somebody else to think. In a certain way it wasn’t a bad move because it gave me the opportunity to work with very impressive directors and reporters, particularly in the field of investigative journalism. One of them was Gwynne Roberts who hired me in 1996 to film THE SAUDI TAPES and track down Osama Bin Ladin in Afghanistan. I also got involved with adventure entertainment like LONG WAY ROUND, a totally new genre. On my own I wouldn’t have gone into that direction but it was a very useful experience. Interestingly, my ability to work as a one-man operator was essential for LWR and LWD because who ever rode the third bike needed to be totally self-contained and able to shoot and direct on his own. It was the perfect job to use all my expertise.

UAM: Are you still motorbiking? If so, what kind of machine do you currently ride? What adventures do you get up to on the bike?

CVP: From July to November 2010 I had the opportunity to ride the 26,000 km long Pan-American Highway on the back of various motorbikes.

It was better than driving myself because I had to film RACING GREEN, a 3 hour BBC World News TV series about 8 Imperial College students from London who built the first electric car in history that succeeded to drive from Alaska to Argentina. I was very impressed by this pioneering clean-tech adventure. I very much hope we will soon switch from petrol based transport to electric vehicles.

At home in London I’m back on my scooter – definitely the best means of transport in congested roads!

UAM: And finally, what filmmaking activities are you currently involved with?

CVP: After the horrors of SPELL OF THE ALBINO I’m keen to finish RWANDA-17, an African ‘Good News’ story about the development of Rwanda since the 1994 genocide. Together with award winning Sierra Leonean reporter Sorious Samura I followed a junior football team on their way to compete at the 2011 Under-17 World Cup in Mexico. They are the first Rwandans who reached the level of world-class football and they represent a new generation of youngsters born after the genocide. Their story offers a great opportunity to find out how far reconciliation between Hutus and Tutsis evolved and how sport can re-unite a nation and inspire hope for development and a better future.

Thank you Claudio!

You can read more about Claudio at http://www.vonplanta.net and watch Spell of the Albino HERE.

THE HORROR, THE HORROR: What is Horror?

June 6, 2012

I’ve been on a year-long adventure, and whilst it’s not fraught with the physical risks and perils detailed throughout UA, it has nonetheless been exhilarating, exhausting and incredibly rewarding. I wish I could tell you that I’d been backpacking around the world, fighting off all sorts of exotic creatures and mountain climbing with one hand, whilst carrying a Guy N. Smith approved rifle in the other, but alas my story is a little different…

I’m a life long horror fan that wants to see the genre treated with the respect and seriousness it deserves. There are too many outside the genre who believe that at best horror is a cheap art form, not worthy of brushing shoulders with ‘higher’ forms of entertainment, and at worst a stepping stone. There is also the misconception that horror is restricted to gore, monsters and cheap sex.  One need only look as far as Adam Nevill’s great outdoors tome The Ritual, Kaaron Warren’s terrifying Slights or Thomas Ligotti’s stunning short story collection Teatro Grotessco to rebut such a narrow-minded belief.

Above all else, I wanted to see horror fiction covered in-depth rather than brushed to the sidelines in magazines. It’s not fair on the authors that are busting their ass on the craft day in day out, and it’s an absolute injustice to the readers that miss out for lack of information.

With a passion for horror in my heart and a pen in my hand, I wrote to the new horror magazine on the block, Scream, and offered them bi-monthly fiction reviews. It quickly became apparent that the demand for horror fiction coverage exceeded magazine space, thus horror fiction website Read Horror spawned in April, followed four months later by the film branch See Horror. The support from the horror community has been incredible. Not only have I met some of the most talented people in the industry, but I’ve also met some of the most generous people I have known in my life. And it’s this shared passion and generosity that pushes me forward to better the – already not inconsiderable – Read Horror and See Horror readership. The next phase in my journey is an exciting one – This Is Horror is an amalgamation of both websites providing a complete horror experience for readers.

With credentials (or lack thereof) out of the way, make a note of Friday January 20 in your diaries as This Is Horror are presenting a genre fiction evening with China Mieville, Mark Morris and Joseph D’Lacey. This comes fresh off the back of the Halloween Horror Night where readers were treated to the likes of David Moody, Adam Nevill and Gary McMahon.

Speaking of David, the concluding part to his Hater series Them Or Us and the latest instalment in his zombie apocalypse chronicles Autumn: Disintegration have just hit the shelves. With Wayne Simmons’ sequels to Flu and Drop Dead Gorgeous coming our way in February and March, undead fans have a lot of fresh flesh to sink their teeth into. Other upcoming releases include Simon Bestwick’s The Faceless, Christopher Fowler’s Hell Train and Sarah Pinborough’s The Chosen Seed.

If ever there was a horror movie that tried to embody a sense of thrill seeking into its deaths it’s Final Destination. All manner of vehicles have sent passengers to their gruesome demise in the franchise that Glen Morgan and Jeffrey Riddick penned over a decade ago. It’s made national news recently after The Advertising Standards Authority banned a poster for Final Destination 5

depicting a shattered skull with steel rods driven through the mouth and eye sockets. For my money, the cover is no more or less frightening than any other horror film doing the rounds. Indeed the real cause for alarm is that it’s the fifth in the series. The horror films making it into the cinema are the safe sequels that guarantee ticket sales but do little in the way of stimulating imagination or delivering originality. There are now seven Saw films, and whilst I thought the first was a worthy addition to the genre it’s ran its course and kept on running. Hellraiser, now in its ninth instalment has fallen so far from grace that Clive Barker announced via Twitter, “I have nothing to do with the f***ing thing. If they claim it’s from the mind of Clive Barker, it’s a lie. It’s not even from my butt-hole.”

Still it’s not all bad news, The Woman in Black, based on Susan Hill’s novel, is due to hit cinemas in February and I live in hope that John Ajvide Lindqvist’s Handling the Undead – in development since 2005 – will turn up eventually. In the meantime, get out the VHS and revisit some of the classics, let’s face it they urinate all over the remakes.

Michael Wilson is the Editor and Owner of horror website This Is Horror.

ANTI-CLARKSON: Pass Me The Shotgun

June 6, 2012

Hello there! It would transpire that I have recently been spread across the media like Sainsbury’s marmalade across a Bangkok lady-boy prostitute’s belly, for inadvertently ejaculating comments about striking protesters needing to be shot. Ach, tish and nibble, I have here and now come to apologise for my quite frankly ridiculous comments. Of course striking teachers and nurses and ancillary staff and pointless minimum-wage helpers should not be shot. They should be GRENADED! That way, all the soft and supple and squishy bits will be spread across various *cough* railway lines for our little foxy woxies to gobble on.

Of course, I am joking, for we all know that teachers work jolly hard and quite rightly many have a whisky habit. It’s a shame most of them are Nazi war criminals who, of course, deserve to be shot, but if during these protests we send the army in to tank-blast the scumbags then we kill two birds (or teachers) with one stone (or shell). Yes, there will be nobody to teach our children, but then all the teachers are simply in the classroom showing videos and drinking vodka from their “Evian” bottles. I remember my old science teacher, Spenser the Winkle, and the stuff he used to get up to in the science prep room. Many was the sunny afternoon I’d be bent over with hot crumpets toasting on my naked buttocks. Most enjoyable it was. I remember the day I left school, sourcing myself a Luger from an old Nazi gorgeous girlfriend and pumping a couple of 9mm shells into his bulbous hobbit belly.

“Ha! That’ll show him!” I thought as I headed off down the job centre and straight  into a career in provincial journalism.

Now, fast forward to our contemporary society, and teachers (and nurses and fake-tan steroid-muscle-filled firemen!) who try to tell us they are willing to strike because of proposed government proposals to propose lower pension figures. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just tough luck. If any of you people have not had the downright basic common sense to get yourself a decent job which pays more than £100,000 billion pounds a year, so that your stiffy little upturned-nose offspring with names like Rupert and Jemima can go to public school in the back of daddy’s Range Rover Supercharged X12 Supercharger Nitro Calpol , then that’s just your own fault and you deserve to work until you’re 99 years old and reliant on a colostomy bag to get you to the lavvie, luvvie. Nurses are all fat and peroxide and useless and don’t care about the patients they’re supposed to care about; college lecturers are all raging homophobic homo sexuals with drink habits and bald heads and bald vaginas; teachers are all obese German shotputters with bad farts and whining blogs about their pointless personal lives nobody cares about; and firemen… well, have you ever seen a body-builder who can look cool in yellow wellies? Let’s be honest. Shooting them all would do the world a favour and then we can descend into anarchy like the Chinese. Or the Mexicans. With their funny little moustaches. A little bit of light-hearted comedy racism? As Benjamin the Elton used to say, oh ho ho ho. Of course not! I am simply picking up on common stereotypes and causing a bit of *hush* controversy to further my own tepid weak tea career and bank balance.

So, where do we go from here? Well obviously we need to shoot lawyers. They are all thieves and scummers. GPs need to get the chop, preferably with a machete. They are lazy malingerers on far too high salaries for what they do. Surgeons? Amputations? I’ll do it for £25 a leg. Then we have HR execs. What the hell do HR even do, anyway?  And of course, my old favourites, Health and Safety Inspectors. They, obviously, should simply be shot on sight just for being employed by the Health and Safety Executive who really don’t executate anything. And… and… Dammit. We should

SHOOT EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTRY!

because, let us be frank and honest: nobody is as important as a fat TV car journalist with dirty jeans.