ANTI-CLARKSON: Pass Me The Shotgun
Hello there! It would transpire that I have recently been spread across the media like Sainsbury’s marmalade across a Bangkok lady-boy prostitute’s belly, for inadvertently ejaculating comments about striking protesters needing to be shot. Ach, tish and nibble, I have here and now come to apologise for my quite frankly ridiculous comments. Of course striking teachers and nurses and ancillary staff and pointless minimum-wage helpers should not be shot. They should be GRENADED! That way, all the soft and supple and squishy bits will be spread across various *cough* railway lines for our little foxy woxies to gobble on.
Of course, I am joking, for we all know that teachers work jolly hard and quite rightly many have a whisky habit. It’s a shame most of them are Nazi war criminals who, of course, deserve to be shot, but if during these protests we send the army in to tank-blast the scumbags then we kill two birds (or teachers) with one stone (or shell). Yes, there will be nobody to teach our children, but then all the teachers are simply in the classroom showing videos and drinking vodka from their “Evian” bottles. I remember my old science teacher, Spenser the Winkle, and the stuff he used to get up to in the science prep room. Many was the sunny afternoon I’d be bent over with hot crumpets toasting on my naked buttocks. Most enjoyable it was. I remember the day I left school, sourcing myself a Luger from an old Nazi gorgeous girlfriend and pumping a couple of 9mm shells into his bulbous hobbit belly.
“Ha! That’ll show him!” I thought as I headed off down the job centre and straight into a career in provincial journalism.
Now, fast forward to our contemporary society, and teachers (and nurses and fake-tan steroid-muscle-filled firemen!) who try to tell us they are willing to strike because of proposed government proposals to propose lower pension figures. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just tough luck. If any of you people have not had the downright basic common sense to get yourself a decent job which pays more than £100,000 billion pounds a year, so that your stiffy little upturned-nose offspring with names like Rupert and Jemima can go to public school in the back of daddy’s Range Rover Supercharged X12 Supercharger Nitro Calpol , then that’s just your own fault and you deserve to work until you’re 99 years old and reliant on a colostomy bag to get you to the lavvie, luvvie. Nurses are all fat and peroxide and useless and don’t care about the patients they’re supposed to care about; college lecturers are all raging homophobic homo sexuals with drink habits and bald heads and bald vaginas; teachers are all obese German shotputters with bad farts and whining blogs about their pointless personal lives nobody cares about; and firemen… well, have you ever seen a body-builder who can look cool in yellow wellies? Let’s be honest. Shooting them all would do the world a favour and then we can descend into anarchy like the Chinese. Or the Mexicans. With their funny little moustaches. A little bit of light-hearted comedy racism? As Benjamin the Elton used to say, oh ho ho ho. Of course not! I am simply picking up on common stereotypes and causing a bit of *hush* controversy to further my own tepid weak tea career and bank balance.
So, where do we go from here? Well obviously we need to shoot lawyers. They are all thieves and scummers. GPs need to get the chop, preferably with a machete. They are lazy malingerers on far too high salaries for what they do. Surgeons? Amputations? I’ll do it for £25 a leg. Then we have HR execs. What the hell do HR even do, anyway? And of course, my old favourites, Health and Safety Inspectors. They, obviously, should simply be shot on sight just for being employed by the Health and Safety Executive who really don’t executate anything. And… and… Dammit. We should
SHOOT EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTRY!
because, let us be frank and honest: nobody is as important as a fat TV car journalist with dirty jeans.